The whole idea behind gift giving is it is supposed to be an unselfish act of doing something nice for someone else.
Whether realizing it or not, you could very well be disrespecting the (very specific) person.
I have noticed a lot of these "If you must bring a gift we would like…" letters floating around the Internet lately (that for some insane reason, go viral).
Is there ever anything good to be said about the people who have written them? Of course not.
The people who have written these lists of 'what to bring…if you bring' have been publicly shamed by their (supposed) friends and family.
To me? List makers are genius.
In fact, I too have sent out my own "If you must give" gift list over email.
It didn't have much on it, it was more of a small suggestions of "maybe hop over to this website" and other suggestions that took them to anything we needed/wanted, thankfully way before any of these lists started going viral.
When my husband and I were getting married, it was a very tight group of people who would be joining us for our ceremony. We can count the number of close friends we have on less than one hand, so for us being offered a bride/groom party (filled with everyone who wasn't attending to our wedding) was a lot to take in. It was going to be a room full of people that we don't speak to, or even have contact with on a regular basis. This in itself triggered a lot of anxiety. I knew (even though we strictly said "please no gifts" ( and meant it) people would still bring a little something. My husband and I don't do gifts. Not for each other and not for anyone else. The thought of receiving gifts from a bunch of people we rarely have contact with was unsettling and uncomfortable. Our house is also very tidy and even the thought of having unnecessary 'stuff' can also bring on some anxiety. I did the only thing I felt was right; sent out an email to those who were throwing the party, with a specific list that they could pass suggestions along to those who would be attending, should they 'need' to bring something.
My list went a little something like this:
– Nothing Scented
– Nothing Stainless Steel
– No Patterns on any items
– No items that have a 'frosted' coating
– No Dark Colors such as Navy Blue, Green or Red
If someone wanted to give cash, I had a list of specific things we were saving for. I signed it off with a please…If you "must" bring- We appreciate gift cards the most. We use them on a regular basis. $10 in gas goes a long way, $20 to the grocery store helps immensely. We are frugal people and we like practicality.
If you suffer from anxiety and / or any form of OCD, you understand why this is overwhelming.
It's hard living with issues (such as not being able to touch frosted or stainless steel items) and for those who don't live with the problem, it's hard to grasp the concept. These weren't just ways of 'being picky' or a bitch. This is just the tip of the iceberg of how much stress and anxiety unnecessary items (or textured items etc) actually play into every day life…and it's a struggle. So while you may toss (my list, for example) aside and ignore specific requests – Please realize that what you give, may not be very well received. Many items won't go to any use in our lifestyle, because I simply can't put them to use.
Similarly, a girlfriend of mine sent out a "No gifts, but if you must" list for her daughters birthday party this year, with even adding "second hand items are fine" and listed off items that were needed/wanted/being saved for. Whether she received whispers behind her back for doing so, I have no idea. But I can tell you, even though I am not a parent, I can imagine why a list like this would be so important. Only you know your child's (specific) needs.
Don't Take it Personal (Really!)
Please stop taking this so personal. It has absolutely nothing to do with you. Saying things such as "They are ungrateful" or "Then I just won't get them anything" is beyond ridiculous. We absolutely are grateful of not only a gift, but because you personally took time out of your schedule for us. However, one thing that does cross the list-maker's mind when given something completely irrelevant is, "why would they go out of their way to get something we didn't need?". Again, not personal (I promise!)…we are just confused. It's a subtle slap in the face.
The Wonderful Thing
Embrace it! This is gift-giving made simple! The great thing about list-makers and grabbing them something from their list is: #1…Your money has not been thrown out the window. It's been put to good use! Secondly,you've helped that person (or couple) out with something they were saving for or needed. They'll love you for this!
So please,before you shame(publicly or behind their back) a person or couple when they ask for no gifts, or give you suggestions – Follow the gift giving etiquette of: Who are you truly doing this for? If it's for them, please take their choices into (serious) consideration. It's really not "the thought that counts" when you have thought about your needs, as opposed to the receiver's.
I hope this may help others understand a bit more 🙂
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